(In my book about LGBT Christians I’ll be including this letter, which I got in last week. If you can come away from reading this still believing that it’s impossible for a person to be both fully gay and fully Christian, then all I can say is that I hope your lobotomy didn’t leave behind too unsightly a scar.)
Dear Mr. Shore,
I was once a proud Evangelical, African Methodist Episcopal Zion (AME Zion) Christian, the son of an AME Zion preacher, and ready to answer the call on my life to ministry. Once the faith of my father became my own, I felt a denominational identity was too constricting. I simply called myself an Evangelical Christian. This was despite the fact that I was tremendously hurt and confused by the near-daily abuse I suffered at the hands of Christian school classmates, with taunts of “faggot,” “girly,” “gay-gay,” etc.
Clearly, everyone else had figured out my sexual orientation before I had. When I thought about the fact that, unlike my 13-year-old counterparts, I didn’t seem to be interested in girls, and that I longed to be close to and have sex with boys, I immediately reasoned, “But I can’t be gay, because Christians aren’t gay, and I’m a Christian!” It was just a phase. I was not gay.
This “phase” lasted several years (despite desperate pleas to an almighty God who would no doubt free me of this “sin” that I wanted no part of anymore than He did). After struggling with a four-year addiction to gay porn, in my senior year of college I was forced to acknowledge that this must be more than a mere phase. I did what any good, Evangelical Christian would: I sought help. After a night of binging on porn, I tapped out the words “gay and Christian” on the keyboard, and came across Exodus International, a ministry dedicated to helping men and women overcome “unwanted same-sex attractions.”
Initially, discovering Exodus gave me hope and encouragement. I went along under the notion that this was no phase, but that it was manageable, and conquerable. I dove into ministry: Bible study founder/leader in college, president of the Christian group at pharmacy school, volunteering with the youth ministry at my local Assembly of God church.
Yet the more I explored my sexual attractions, the more dismayed I became. I fervently desired a Godly relationship with a woman, to be a dad; I yearned to live the Evangelical, American dream.
What I could not shake, though, was the debilitating loneliness that overshadowed every aspect of my life, despite a loving family, a wonderful girlfriend, a supportive ex-gay community, an adept counselor, great accountability partners, service to others, leadership in ministry, a local church community, incessant prayer, indomitable determination, and innumerable ex-gay resources. As I became increasingly aware of my unchanging orientation, the insufficient satisfaction of opposite gender intimacy, and the idea that this meant a lifetime of misery without true companionship, my depression and anxiety grew, until I was ready for God to just take me home. I simply did not want to exist anymore … and begged God to have mercy on me by ending this.
I wish I could say that my Christian community responded in Christ-like ways to me when I revealed my “struggles with same-sex attraction.” And there surely were those who incarnated Christ to me. But more commonly the responses ranged from indifference to muted disgust (and everything in between).
In one pivotal encounter, I had lunch with the youth pastor at my Assembly of God church. I was sharing with him my disappointment with the way in which my revelation was received by the other young adults in the church with whom I was desperate to bond (after all, the ex-gay mantra was that “healing comes by forging healthy, same-sex relationships”). I bemoaned the fact that some were nonplussed, some were cool but silent (leaving me to wonder where I actually stood with them), and some took it upon themselves to preach to me, thinking this was “encouragement.”
What was my pastor’s response to my discouragement? He spent the next hour and a half chiding me for being upset, and preaching to me about the evils of homosexuality. The obvious offense (treating me in a manner expressly as I had just complained about being treated by others) was only magnified by the fact that he was well aware of my dad’s ordination in ministry, my years spent in Bible classes at Christian schools, and my extensive knowledge of Scripture. Perhaps most damaging of all was his insistence that I no longer serve with the youth (which he had originally mandated prior to our lunch date). I cannot express how belittled and useless I felt. My love for God, my gifts, my talents counted for naught so long as I had difficulties dealing with my sexuality. I left lunch that day feeling more disparaged than when we started.
I was never an Evangelical after that. In fact, here I stand six years later, and there are times when it is difficult for me to associate myself with Christianity at all. After hearing my protracted story, religious and irreligious people alike often ask me in befuddled exasperation: “How are you still a Christian? Why do you still go to church?!” And frankly, I have yet to articulate a satisfactory answer. As best I can tell though, it is rooted in my abiding love for Jesus. I am compelled by the life and teachings of Jesus. I strive to live The Way of Jesus, and bring the Kingdom of Peace and Love here to earth. And yet, every day it is a struggle to hold onto that shred of faith when so many other self-proclaimed Christians adamantly declare my apostasy and condemnation to hell for daring to love in the way that comes naturally to me. (The more enlightened folks are civil enough to quietly suggest I’m “not in God’s will,” and they’re praying for me to see the light and truly know Him. This in no way feels patronizing. Really. *sarcasm*)
I profusely thank God for the emerging church I discovered around the time of that fateful lunch. Up until that point, I had a subtle but nagging twist in my gut at every church I had ever attended. It was in experiencing such love and comfort at this new church that I was finally able to verbalize what I felt all those years: that I was not safe and accepted as I was. At last, I was blessed to have been led to a community of believers who would walk alongside me, instead of ahead of me; who would ask questions with me, instead of dictating beliefs to me. It was in this community that I was able to salve the wounds of bitterness and jadedness that had pervaded my soul.
I don’t know that I’ll ever be an Evangelical again. I’m not sure if I can even maintain the identity “Christian,” given all the baggage that seems to accompany the word. All I know is that I hope for the day when I can be seen by the Church (universal) as being equal to all others in the Body of Christ, and worthy of sharing my gifts in faithful service — not despite my sexuality, but because I am a gay Christian, beloved of God.
Who Would Dare Argue This Gay Man Isn’t Christian?,
Emile
30 Jul 2011I wouldn’t want to be both but that’s me. Atheist bisexual here, still would be if I wasn’t bi.
Diane
30 Jul 2011God loves all people excluding no one. This is how we all should love, too. Love begets love and destroys hate.
Jaime
30 Jul 2011Very moving. I expect that his life is even more difficult than others – both of his identities (gay and Christian) are constantly attacking the other (although to be fair the Christians are much meaner about it). And didn’t he mention he’s black as well? The amount of discrimination he must face… 🙁
Camilla
30 Jul 2011What is wrong with people!
It makes me SO mad, that people believe that you cannot be a Christian because you are gay. The two things have absolutely nothing to do with one another! I hate the fact that some people calling themselves Christians, makes it an embarrassment to say out live that you believe in God. Perhaps man will not accept you, but God will! And more people should perhaps start living by the words of Jesus rather than by the words of the old testaments. God is kindhearted and not just all fire and brimstone. It is what is in your heart that counts!
Thomas
30 Jul 2011I came out in 1974, in 2000 I finished schooling to become an Associate United Church Minister. I have faced more discrimination from the gay community than the Christian community. (but then it is easier in Canada to be both.)
Kara
30 Jul 2011What kills me is that according to their twisted logic a man can rape and murder a child, then repent and go to heaven, but a person can be a great person, but be gay, and then will burn in hell. Much like those lovely lesbians in Norway that rescued 40 kids… According to most self righteous Christians they are still bound for hell. Idiocy. I gave up on the Christian church a long time ago, but I find it oddly touching that this man shunned by the church seems to encompass Christ love more than 99% of Christians in this world.
Alexis
30 Jul 2011The rejection hasn’t happened to me because I have not come out full scale, but I do sometimes find it hard to label myself Christian. This is a great and powerful story I reposted.
Shaza
30 Jul 2011Personally I think sexuality has nothing to do with saying your prayers or going to church. Anyway, I am a Catholic female and always thought it was weird that Priests were never married to women , I used to think they were Priests because they were homosexual and never wanted anyone to know….not all of them, but a few. Same with the Nuns, were they secretly homosexual, better to be a Nun that love a female. Knowing how for centuries for Roman Cathloics think….then again, it seems to be an issue for all religions and not just Christianity. GOD / Creator made people DIVERSE and exactly how you are meant to be…as long as it is not criminal, what is the problem?
Chris
30 Jul 2011Faith and sexual orientation are neither inclusive or exclusive
Tim
30 Jul 2011I never understood how a homosexual can be a Christian, but to each their own.
Collin
30 Jul 2011@ Tim ‘Not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the LORD looks into the heart’. One of my favorite quotes 1 Samuel 16:7 as it validates the words of Jesus with my favorite parable ‘The parable of the weeds’where the most important lesson is that we Christians should not judge, because that is God’s exclusive right. That’s why I know the gentleman is the article is a true Christian. One to be admired. One to love. I’m pretty sure Jesus would approve of this man, and I can wait for my judgement time to get the answer from the only one that can ever know.
Darren
30 Jul 2011@Tim, if you reorder the words in your statement a little, you have exactly the same ideology as the religious right: “I never understood how a Christian can be homosexual”!
Only if you accept that Christ condemns homosexuals, which I have never found a quote in the New Testament to support, would there be a conflict. You can believe in God and believe that God has no problem whatseoever with your sexuality. Only the religious right state otherwise.
Jose
30 Jul 2011To understand one just needs to remove the veil from ones eyes, Because by the same token that “heterosexuals” are Christians as well, It applies both ways ->> BY HIS GRACE..