By: Gina Volpe

Not since discovering that a mentally handicapped person from my class got married before me have I been as shocked as I was to learn there are still people in their twenties who are virgins. I thought virgins over the age of 16 had gone extinct, like dinosaurs and people with good taste who still listen to Kings of Leon. Not so!

An attractive, 20-something acquaintance recently expressed gratitude that her dickhead boyfriend dumped her before she gave up the poon. Now she can continue to cherish her precious virginity and give it to a man who won’t end up sucking. Except those men don’t exist. They all fucking suck! And before you think I’m some hairy-twatted feminist, let me say that my twat is glorious, and chicks suck too.

EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE. The first person you bang, regardless of how charming they seem or how understanding they are when you first shit your pants after a night of drinking, will eventually reveal themselves as the awful shitheads they are. If you’re waiting for your perfect soul mate to lovingly take that V-card off your hands, you’re going to die horny and alone with cobwebs on your genitals.

My first partner ended up dating my cousin. The next guy HAD DREAD LOCKS. After him came a frat boy with a Jesus tattoo. Then there was the man who was virtually indistinguishable from a koala, not to mention the teen model who “accidentally” rammed his dick up my ass. There may have been a gay homeless man somewhere in there too. I have experienced a lot of low-quality men in my time. I didn’t die. My vag didn’t reject me and fall off. There were no dire consequences, and at least I’ve been getting some. Righteous virgins, you may not be fucking awful people, but you’re also not fucking anyone, so you still lose.

And to the religious arguments. The only dudes who insist on a virginal bride are gay and giving all of their love to Jesus. Tits make them gag and they’ll totally suck in the sack, so you’re better off getting your fun lays while you still can and then lying about being a virgin later like every other religious idiot I know.

I don’t remember my first smashing, and not just because it was 1,000 years and 438 penises ago. It’s because it wasn’t meaningful, magical, or special. Your stupid dicks and vaginas aren’t sacred treasures. They don’t need to be locked up and protected, but shared with the world, like democracy or SARS. Get over yourselves, get on top of someone else, and give it up.

*Disclaimer: If you’re a virgin not by choice, but because of some medical reason, nevermind. And sorry. That sucks.