By: Eddie Vince

New scientific evidence suggests that vegetables are sentient beings that have similar feelings and senses that other animals have. While it’s not entirely sure whether or not they’re aware of their consciousness like humans, vegetables are now beginning to be recognized as life forms not unlike that of dogs, cats, cows, elephants, and such.

With this new evidence, vegans across the globe have begun starving themselves, unable to conscionably eat another living organism. Hundreds have died, and a projected thousands more are calculated to be affected by the news. Some are even calling it vegetable torture. A vegetable rights group has already been established to draw up legislation that would provide vegetables with similar protection provided to most animals. They call themselves, the People EnRaged at Vegetable Eating, or PERVE for short.

PERVE has already filed several suits across the globe targeted at farmers and corporations responsible for the manufacturing and sale of vegetables, equating their marketing practice to torture and a violation of their Constitutional rights as free creatures. Most have discounted their efforts to include vegetables under veterinary legislation that protects the rights of animals. A spokesperson of PERVE has commented that they will not give up their fight until all vegetables are given the rights to live and prosper like all other living organisms.

“The Fourteenth Amendment protects these beautiful creatures from being grown and brutally killed for our pleasure,” says PERVE representative Molly Trenchin. “It is our responsibility to ensure that every creature is provided with these freedoms and rights, and it is not within our authority to restrict their liberty of growth.”

When asked what we should eat, since PERVE members also don’t believe in eating meat for obvious reasons, Ms. Trenchin and other PERVE members have publicly stated that they’ve developed a steady diet of osmosis. “We live off the land, literally, breathing in our nutrients with every breath.” They went on to say, “If the world developed this dietary policy, we could effectively wipe out famine and wars caused by famine, along with beginning to restore our Mother Earth.”

Critics have cited that any form of osmosis would stunt children’s growth and cause a whole host of diseases and pestilence if everyone on the planet were to suddenly begin breathing for nutrients. Pollution, as well, has been another factor that many critics have pointed out as a major flaw in PERVE’s reasoning for osmosis.

“We as species simply cannot survive if we do not eat other species,” Daniel Ferton, M.D., director of the National Institute for Nutritional Research, said. “It is vital that we continue to eat our vegetables, no matter how much we don’t like them. I believe this is just the vegans projecting their childhood dislike of vegetables onto the rest of us.”

There’s no word from either the Obama Administration or any other global leaders to suggest that any government is taking the vegans or PERVE seriously. But if vegetables cannot argue for themselves, then, I ask you, who will speak up for our food?