By Alyssa Hart

Cougars & Cubs!  Provocative articles have drawn attention to the cougar-cub phenomenon in recent years. Discussions invariably focus on the sexual dimension of the relationships and jokingly — sometimes unflatteringly — portray cougars as older women who “prey” upon younger men, or cubs.   These descriptions, however, miss the most significant and intriguing aspects of these relationships. While these relationships are clearly sexual, the discussion neglects their eroticism as well as their resistance to contemporary gender culture. Further, the winking or joking overlooks the reality that many of these relationships are real relationships.  Not only one-night stands or short-lived flings, these relationships may also reflect intimate, loving, and lasting partnerships.  Moreover, there are additional reasons — sexual and non-sexual — that many women and men are drawn to these relationships.

To begin with, a younger man who is willing to engage in a serious relationship with an older woman embraces a new, emerging form of confident, balanced masculinity.  Thirty, twenty, or even ten years ago, these liaisons were relatively rare, partly because of power dynamics fostered by gender ideologies.  If there was an age gap between partners, it most often involved a younger woman.  Our gender system, which shapes behavior and notions of identity, has historically encouraged many men to perceive a strong woman or equal partner as a possible threat to constructed definitions of masculinity.  That is, certain forms of masculinities have depended upon power-over dynamics, particularly in relation to women.  (Ever wonder why there are many mother-in-law jokes but relatively few father-in-law jokes?)  For many reasons – such as shifting norms or men’s growing recognition of the ways traditional models of manhood limit the expression of their full humanity, along with pleasure and intimacy — more men are less invested in power-over relations with the women in their lives. At the same time, more women find this very sexy!  Many women are not looking for someone to assume an authority role in their lives, to play first mate to his captain. They want sex, fun, passion, love, appreciation, and respect: a partner and playmate rather than a boss or master.  While there are men of all ages who offer this, shifting norms suggest that more of these men are younger.  Certainly, a younger man who is willing to openly engage in a relationship with an older woman is pretty likely to be open-minded in this regard.  In addition, a man who engages with a woman who has established herself finds a partner who is adept at taking care of her business and is relatively confident — also attractive qualities.

Moreover, this idea of equity in heterosexual relationships relates to the contemporary discussion of gay marriage, according to Naomi Wolff.  About a decade ago, Wolff wrote a thought-provoking essay, “Scenes from a Gay Marriage,” suggesting that the prospect of gay marriage engenders resistance for many reasons, including that it would offer for the first time a view of marriage between social equals.  This perspective, she notes, would likely spur a rethinking of the notion of equity, including economic equity, within marriages between men and women (time out of the paid workforce, income, social security, pension benefits, etc).  Such a reevaluation may well introduce ripple effects of significant social change, which we would be well served to welcome and embrace.  True equity in terms of sexuality and gender aligns with our democratic ideals and American principles.

And then there’s the sex!  A few more years may encourage women to reveal myths of female sexuality — reinforced through conventional “wisdom,” the silence of embarrassment, fear of perceived inadequacy, or even porn “performances” — by directly addressing what works and what doesn’t.  Some “cougars” have previously been married and raised children, others may be at a point in life where the interest in marrying to have children has faded.  They have also left behind the most intensive peer pressure periods associated with the teen years and young adulthood.  Less to lose means more freedom.  There’s less hesitation about ‘fessing-up about the ways things really are.  With a partner who can hear this, whose masculinity allows for unthreatened acknowledgement that common sexual patterns may not always be the most reliable route to female orgasm (confirmed by research) for instance, she — and he — finds a particularly rewarding sexual liaison.

The really cool thing is the way all of this opens an amazing space of honesty and intimacy, partnership and sex, companionship and love.  These relationships have a lot to offer.  While many other heterosexual and same-sex relationships possess these qualities as well, cougar-cub pairings — perhaps we should rename? — draw needed attention to the ways that male-female egalitarianism and sexual pleasure contribute to loving intimate relationships.