Everybody has an opinion on PDA. and let’s ask ourselves how many times have we seen a couple making intense ‘face-time’ at the park, local coffee shop, or some random corner of Walmart and have really thought to ourselves, “Oh, to be in love!”? Most of the people I’ve spoken to on this subject think there is a line of appropriateness that once crossed creates an utterly disturbing feeling in the minds/stomachs of onlookers. Minus of course those few free-loving lawbreakers or creepers who will take those mental pictures home for late-night inspiration.

However, for those of us who see a couple grinding in line at the grocery store secretly thinking, “Oh, gawd!” with a much more noticeable eye-roll, and for the sake of the children I am putting forth the rules:

Rule No. 1 KISSING: Any kiss lasting longer than 10 seconds is obviously meant to create arousal in your partner. A short peck on the lips will establish the fact that you are a couple. A three second kiss will resonate well enough in the minds of the humans around you that you are a couple and are not to be intruded upon by unwanted solicitations. Any kiss over 5 seconds simply becomes a spectacle. DON’T BE A SPECTACLE because spectacle sounds like testicle and people will think you are NUTS!

Rule No. 2 LOOKS: If your partner is plus or minus four or more points, then you are on the scale of superficial beauty. I beg of you, please don’t even touch each other in public. Keep a minimum of at least two inches between you at all times. If you can’t contain yourself, hold hands and smile. If you are really in love, then a short kiss (less than two seconds) maybe is acceptable if you think no one is looking. Pretend like you both are homosexuals at a Promise Keeper convention.

Side note: Just because you pulled up in a brand new 8 series BMW and are the CEO of Company XYZ, doesn’t mean we want to see your ugly mug disappear into the mouth of that hung-over Barbie doll you picked up last night.

Rule No. 3 LOVE PATS VS. ASS SLAPS: What is sweet is when you hold open the door for your significant other and as he/she walks through and you gently place your hand on her or his lower back as if to guide with love your partner into the room. What is acceptable is if your hand slips down a little as if to pat a small puppy on the head and you nonchalantly create this motion ONCE on their butt cheek.

What isn’t sweet or acceptable? Don’t open the door for your lover and then proceed to slap that ass so hard to make a popping sound loud enough to cause whip lash in the necks of heads turning to look at who just got smacked. In my opinion, men should never slap a woman’s ass in public. It’s degrading. Even around a few close friends in a private setting this can be very embarrassing. Ask her honestly and you might learn something. As for other types of couples, different rules may apply but nonetheless if it makes a sound you’ve gone too far.

Rule No. 4 GRINDING: Hugs are nice. When someone hugs you from behind. it’s nice. When some guy has himself draped over his significant other holding that person so close to the nether regions of his body and proceeds to wriggle his hips around as if he is dancing in the middle of the food court this constitutes as grinding. Most times the object of his borderline dry hump will squeal out in high-pitched laughter, “Stop it! That’s not funny… giggle, giggle, giggle.” He’s being playful and stops. They grab hands and walk off into the truest, ever-lasting love. What is disturbing is when it lasts longer than 10 seconds and you realize both parties are receiving some sort of sexual gratification from the act. If you are receiving sexual gratification in public, then STOP IT!

Rule No. 5 GRINDING AND STRADDLING: I don’t know what it is about the comfy chairs at Starbucks, but, countless times I have seen couples attempting to ‘share’ this particular piece of furniture. Generally, it begins as a young lady tastefully sitting on the knee of her male counterpart. Tastefully, it would end that way.

For some reason, though, after a few 3-5 second kisses, low and behold she ends up sliding back with a full body press against her man. Next, she pretends to be uncomfortable and gyrates around until she is face forward with her bottom pressed firmly against his groin or she has figured out a way to straddle him. I’ve never actually witnessed this maneuver because women are a bit slyer when it comes to these things, but in either position the grinding begins. This only becomes more bizarre if the woman is wearing a short, flowing skirt. PEOPLE, there is nothing right about this especially if children are present! If you are so self-involved in the act of simulating sex in a chair at Starbucks, how will you even notice parents walking in with their 2.5 kids?!

Rule No. 6 HEAVY PETTING AND GROPING: So, you have ignored the five second kiss rule, grinding just isn’t enough and you find your hand caressing somewhere it shouldn’t be in public. Remember there are laws in place, and even your car, is considered too public for sex. Heavy petting goes beyond a mere public display of affection. But I’ve seen the guy ‘massage’ the backside of his lady’s camel toe before and was left feeling a little odd. Not like a tingly odd, more like an,  “Is he really doing that???” odd. How tacky!

Groping someone in public is strange. If you feel you must grope your partner, make it quick and as unintrusive as possible. Don’t squeeze your girl’s boob so hard at Walmart, or anywhere for that matter, that her natural instinct is to yell, “Ouch!” and hit away your arm. That just makes you a jerk.

Rule No. 7 AT A BAR OR CLUB: It is only human to have a few too many drinks, dance too close, get horny, introduce your tongue to someone else’s, take the person home, and have a night to remember, or in some cases vaguely remember, and perhaps to not recall at all. That is partially why bars and clubs exist. Thankfully for the service of alcohol, one can be assured you won’t be committing a lewd act in the presence of a minor. So, of course the rules in these instances are allowed to be bent, twisted, turned around, groped, slapped, banged, whatever. But if security warns you once, consider calming down or taking a taxi back to his or her place immediately.

Rule No. 8 SHORT, SWEET, AND/OR DISCREET: This is the most important rule to remember. I will be the first to admit I can pooh-pooh all PDA’s as long as I’m single, but in a relationship of course I want to shout out loud, “I’m in love and getting laid!” I’m no prude either and I don’t concern myself with what happens in public if no innocents are offended. What amazes me is how many people just don’t care who is around or what they think. Or, that they don’t consider the fact that the 20-something looking woman at the cash register might really be a 15 year old virgin, school girl. They don’t care that she can’t abandon her post to remove herself from the situation. It doesn’t bother them that they are grossing out an entire restaurant or disrupting a Sunday afternoon coffee break.

So, keep it short. Don’t get so hot and heavy you can barely contain yourself. Make it sweet. If it’s sweet and genuine, people around you are less likely to be offended. They will appreciate the love behind it. Be discreet. The more out there you are the better your chances of making a sex offender list.

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