By: Geoffrey Yonil

Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of ‘I Am an American’ essays, or some variation of the sort, defining what it is to be an American. I didn’t happen to agree with most of the essays, so here is my response to all of the ones I have read:

I am an American. My patriotism borders on a crime against humanity. I worship God. I am a Christian. I have no soul. I believe that obesity, nepotism, and apathy should be included into our Pledge of Allegiance. I prefer there to be more euphemisms than truth in my news. I worship money. I am a consumer. I am a corporate whore. God and business are interchangeable to me. I am an American.

I don’t like things, e.g. music, television, books, etc. etc., to have any substance. I am serotonin deficient. I take mood stabilizers. I chew gum and throw trash on the ground. I am an American. Homogeneity is the greatest thing God ever created. I am an Imperialist, but will not publicly admit to it. I am a jingoist, but will not publicly admit to it. I like to buy things that have no use and will not better my quality of life but only make the person(s) who made it quality of life worse. I conquer through the Almighty dollar because my God is interchangeable with money. I don’t celebrate diversity, I profit from it. I don’t celebrate uniqueness, I profit from it. I don’t celebrate the individual, I exploit it.

I live in a delusion. I live the nine-to-five dream. Because I am an American. I live in suburbia. I live in a gentrified city. I am urbane. I drink horrible coffee. I drink even worse beer. I travel around the world in seconds as a sightseer. I am a perpetual tourist. I think the rest of the world is doing okay because my neighborhood looks fine. I can’t see past the horizon. I am blind to corruption, greed, exploitation, beauty, humanity, and empathy. There is something in the water. I am the disease to civilization. I am an American. I shout small government, small government, but have no idea what it means and I’m too afraid to admit that I need every second of my life to be planned out by either the government of a corporation.

I live my life according to what billboards tell me. I drink Listerine all day so I won’t remember any of this. It’s okay to have corporations replace the government because their only desire is to make more money and not improve my quality of life. I love corporations because they are killing my society and I won’t do anything about it. Walmart is my mother. Coca-Cola is my father. Disney is my cousin. And IBM is my crazy uncle who supported Nazism. I have no idea what laissez-faire economy means because I dropped out of college. I think Adam Smith supported it, but I’m too lazy to actually look that up. Left or right, either way I’d like to be wrong.

I like drugs. I like to numb every nerve in my body so that I won’t have to face the reality of my actions. The consequences don’t matter because they’re so far in the future that it doesn’t affect me. I ignore history books because I want to repeat it. I don’t see any problem with regression. My regression is a form of progression. I’m willing to support my troops even if they’re given the wrong orders. They were only obeying orders, they say, and I believe them. I do not question what’s been taught to me because my time is consumed with consuming the rest of time. There are no birds and bees because I squished them.

I am the product of a culture that likes to determine how a generation acts according to a letter-based system. I am Generation Z. My generation is the last generation that will ever live. I am an American. America means apocalyptic notions. America means ignoring the obvious. America means corporation. America means to destroy the last vestige of all living organisms. I am an American. I believe that outlawing abortions so that women have no choice and either do not love their child or have a back-alley abortion is good for the future of my country. They will be called Generation Abort. I put my convictions before reason. I don’t believe in a quality education because my idols never went to college and I believe that I should be just like them. I believe in gun rights even though the Constitution and every logical study ever published says otherwise. I’d rather blow your head off than know your name. I believe artificial issues that have nothing to do with me should be the main focus of all politicians and other policy-makers so that they don’t have enough time to solve the rest of my country’s very large and proliferating problems.

I am an American. My ancestors would be both proud and appalled by me. I have effectively enslaved the entire world to a tyrannous economic system that ignores educated, enlightened thought on how to be fixed. I am an American. After reading and contemplating dystopia novels for the past century, I’ve decided to replicate what I’ve read. I listen to mainstream music-television-news-literature-movies, and have come to the conclusion that it’s just better to buy everything despite its low quality and non-existent substance. I would bankrupt you for marginal profit.

I despise everything I’ve done and yet I’m willing to repeat it all over again. I support teenage death. I support genocide. I criticize other nations and don’t even look at my own mistakes. I am the sin, not the sinner. I am the disease, not the cure. I will infect you, and you have no choice in the matter. Please do not run. I will hunt you. I will shoot you. I have no conscience. Because I am an American.

I am an American. And my God can kick your God(s)’ ass!