In any culture or society, women or men can become victims of controlling relationships.

Often the controlling behaviors may involve minor things and only over time become more controlling and painful.  The controlled partners in these relationships are leveraged in some seemingly innocent way and become focused on pleasing or going along with the controller just to avoid any major confrontations.  Many times they do not see the bigger picture, the ways they are becoming more controlled and their freedom is being curtailed.  Most of all, they may not realize how destructive the relationship is to them personally.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end and have been lucky enough to escape the relationship, you can probably easily reflect back and see how you were controlled.

With the help of our Facebook fans and audience — and in an effort to create awareness for those who may be in a controlling relationship, as well as friends/relatives — we have constructed a thread of collective advice, observations, early warning signs, symptoms and feedback to help people see how they may be involved in a controlling relationship.

After reading, if you have any experiences, knowledge, or advice to share on this topic, please sign up to our website (it’s FREE) and leave your comment below to add your piece to this helpful thread and resource.

We posed this fill- in- the- blank to our wonderful Facebook fans and audience:

“One way to know that you’re in a controlling relationship is _________________________.”

The following are their collective, unedited, responses…Thank you to all who participated! x – TJ

“You edit your speech, tastes, and daily activities to suit your partner in order not to cause a fight or upset them. You slowly find yourself isolated from family and friends- all decisions you make are centered around not getting into an altercation with your partner.” – Cybele B.

“If you ever find yourself in something like this – RUN! As fast as you can, before every iota of your self esteem is gone and you begin questioning yourself and your choices. Recovery takes a long time and you never completely get over it. If you remember nothing else, remember this – You cannot be used as a doormat unless you lie down…” – Donna R. D.

“When you organize your life around their needs and wants and rarely, if ever, your own.” – Aaron S. C.

“They go through your closet with you and make you throw out short skirts, they start a fight when you buy makeup, they encourage you to shave your head so less guys will look at you, they accuse you of cheating on them on a weekly basis…. The list of things I lived with almost seven years ago is long. Learned my lesson, that’s for sure!!” – Allison R.

“When you’re asking your partner how to finish this sentence” – Travis L.

“When your significant other isolates you from family and friends.” – Terri S.

“When you feel like u have to walk on eggshells around the person.” – Angel C.S.

“When jealousy enters into the relationship. Jealousy is a form of mistrust and without trust you have nothing!” – Christopher M. L.

“You have to get permission to see or talk to anyone else or go anywhere. Then afterward you have to relate the visit, conversation, or trip in excruciating detail and be ready to defend yourself over the tiniest detail. (Because You ARE WRONG TO DO ANY OF IT! AND DON”T YOU KNOW THAT BY NOW???)” – Donna R. D.

“When they start telling you who you can and can’t talk to.” – Sam R.

“When they stalk your every move! they get mad when you talk on the phone/with Family or Friends! and are Jealous of your own children!! this is sick Behavior, GET OUT!!!” – Chris R.

“When your partner wants to know everything you do, gets mad it you hang out with friends, tries to convince you to turn against your family, becomes jealous about everything, makes you ask permission for things, when you start to change who you are to suit them, and when you feel lonely all the time.” – Harley P.

“They tell you to check with them before adding friends and accepting any friends. And worst off, telling you to delete or literally lose contact with a friend, cuz they don’t like that person…And not to mention. They guilt trip you for doing something with your friends, and basically tell you that you’re always putting friends first, when really, you just need time away from them. I just got away from someone like that. The person I’m with now is so much better.” – Mac M.

“Every time you are around friends, you: Unconsciously prepare your list of reasons why you’re still together deflect the topic from relationships as often as possible file away everything that happens as if there might be a test on it later. You get really used to spending time alone because going out requires the equivalent of going through airport security. There are certain people you avoid because you know it’s not worth it to have to mention running into them when people can tell your relationship is having problems based on your vocabulary (you use words your s/o doesn’t like)” – Cassandra E.

“The only controlling relationship I ever was in was with my family’s religion. most of what i was told to scare me into staying is the exact same thing that abusive partners say to break down someone’s will and independence.” – Delaine R.

“There are two different controlling relationship types: subconscious & intentional. Subconscious is when You act according to Your emotions and as the result it touches loving partner’s soul pretty much. And intentional controlling relationship is when You act according to clever tactics to make loving partner more then happy: sex, words, giving emotions in short words… and some people act (intentional) as tyrannizing – as because they have a fear that they can loose this loving partner. My opinion is that You can be a present to loving partner: do the best things for him/for her. But sometimes it is quite clever to let feel him/herself in a little stress. Stress is also emotion. Just thing about weather: is it bad to stand upon strong rain? or under the hail? My own answer is NO – because our loving NATURE doesn’t have any bad weather. Do You know why Russian people are beautiful and quite stressful? Because we have 4 seasons (and btw at the moment in Moscow we have the new 5th season: not hot, very strange form clouds flying, and a lil’ bit freezin’ sometimes). If You are under the same sun without any different weather conditions: You will live quite simple and quick life. Just think about Egyptians or else… Love is beautiful. You’ve got to share Love – because it is a defense shield of every negative forces. Aaand… When two people meet each other & they are very satisfied with everything they are about (even shortcomings) – then they have big chances to live a very long life with each other sharing Love. When conflicts appear – then it is time to open up umbrella or to dance under the rain or worse – to grumble to weather. We’ve got to grow together – this is the clue of long living happy together :)” – Dmitry T.

“You dread them coming home from work because you know it will now be a barrage of questions,criticisms,them going through your handbag,opening your post as soon as it arrives, putting you on a restrictive “allowance”,telling you what you are allowed to feel and be interested in. That was my ex husband-escaping him was the best thing I ever did!!” – Rhonda S. L.

“When you are feeling stifled & afraid to talk to your partner about how you feel because of the reactionary pattern they’ve established.” – Erin K.

“You feel it in the pit of your stomach the ache of uncertainty, of fear, of walking on eggshells. You don’t have the freedom and comfort and security of a healthy, supportive relationship where you can say what you want/need without someone accusing you of “cheating/lying/checking out other people/plotting to leave them for someone else”… You feel strain and stress instead of peace and happiness. There can’t be just a “normal outing” to the grocery or restaurant…It turns into an argument b/c there are other people around and “I saw you checking them out…why do you say thank you every time he comes to the table (he’s the waiter, I am polite!) …what are you looking at???”  They’re always questioning you and your motives instead of working on their insecurities/fears/past relationship hang ups and your failing relationship. You can’t spend time with your girl/guy friends without it turning into an argument abt what you’re “planning on doing/going/hanging out with….Why do you need to wear make-up? You don’t look “that different” without it, who are you wearing it for?!? …(um, b/c it makes me feel better about myself, jerk!) When you can’t truly be yourself and have the other person appreciate the true beauty that is YOU….” – Kara K. C.

“One way to know that you’re in a controlling relationship is: if you have any insight, experiences and/or advice to share but your partner rolls their eyes, or patronizes you for sounding childish or stupid.” – Erica L. R.

“Early warning signs typically include jealousy. While I think jealousy can be a completely natural emotion– It’s something that you have to work through with your partner and build the trust in one another to have a stable, lasting relationship.

In the domestic relationship was in that was abusive, looking back the earliest warning signs were irrational forms of jealousy. Everything quickly became my fault. If you questioned the logic, things got chaotic and more-often-than-not, violent. If anyone took up too much of my time (friends, members of the opposite sex, family…) he grew angry. My life evolved into doing things in order not to upset him. I had to be by phone if I was away from him. If I took too long to respond to him, then I was in trouble and I was probably doing something I wasn’t supposed to do.

One of the greatest books I read as I exited the relationship was “Why Does He Do That?” : A quote: ““If I were asked to select one salient characteristic of my abusive clients, an aspect of their nature that stands out above all the others, I would choose this one: They feel profoundly justified.”

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.” “He can be sweet and gentle.” “He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children – he’s a great father.” “He’s had a really hard life…”

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.” http://books.google.com/books/about/Why_Does_He_Do_That.html?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC…I would like to add one more thing. There are differences between MFIPV, FMIPV, MMIPV, FFIPV… etc. Also teen dating violence is gaining more attention too (which is a good thing because it has become quite the social problem). If you’re interested, one of the leading researchers of violence Maury Strauss, he examines some minority populations, teen populations, etc.

Why Does He Do That? – In this book, domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft uses his perspective as a …therapist for abusive and controlling men to help women, their children, and other family members who have been touched by abuse understand why abusers behave the way they do and what can be done about it.” – Elyse H.

“When you appologize for traffic lights turning red because of course everything is your fault… Took my current husband 3 years to get me to stop appologizing, and even now after 12 years I still find myself tensing up at a red light. Many people just don’t understand why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship… I do, I was there.” – Lynne K.

“I was in a situation where the guy who wants me was extremely controlling to the point I lived in fear of doing anything at all. Even walking out of my room; just to go to the loo cause if he catches you and finds you…that’s’ it!. Never ending emotional harassment. It didn’t last long cause he wasn’t even my partner or boy friend. Just an insecure fuck head, who wanted someone to put up with him for his sake. I called the police, rang the immigration!!. He was off my back for few months and end up stalking me. Be aware and just tell the authorities. By the way he is an Indian and his name is Harshil Shah..Girls be aware of this name..He has done this to plenty of other women as well. You can even be controlled by a total stranger even if you are not in a relationship. They know how to get in to your mind.” – Lana B.

“The time i finally realized i was in abusive relationship was when i was in a cab and the driver got lost and it look us about 20 minutes longer to get home and i had a sick feeling in my stomach that my BF was gonna wonder what i was doing and be mad. sure enough when i got home, he asked me if i was cheating on him with the cab driver. i laughed and said thank you for showing me that i need to get the fuck away from you!! best day ever.” – Angel C. S.

“When you find yourself not only changing who YOU are at the core of you but apologiziing for being who you are, for who your friends are, changing your clothes just to avoid a fight, when you lose who you are in order to become what makes him/her happy. The moment you see these things find a good friend and get the fuck out!! Run, as fast as you can. I didnt and it got physical…I was locked in a bathroom for 2 days till he left for work. I managed to kick the door open and I got my stuff and left, never looked back. Yes, he has some of my stuff but I have my self respect back and I now know the warning signs…please, if you are going through this…message me I will listen and try to help.” – Laura L.

“When they put you down to make themselves look better and make you feel like you are worthless. I’ve been there physical mental and emotional abuse. Your never aloud to do anything and get threaten if you do no man or woman should ever go though this. Its never the persons fault but they need to get out before its too late and I know it’s extremely hard to leave because of what might happen but its worth it to get your life back.” – Amanda S.

“When they call you childish or selfish and you find yourself lying so you can spend time with your friends. When you dread having other men check you out because its your fault. When they make managing their mental illness and substance abuse your responsibility. When they don’t want you to get councelling, but are happy to give you their addictive prescription medication. When breaking up with them feels like being let out of prison.” – Jasminge A-W.

“My Daughters friend tells her,”I’d break up with him but then he stocks me and calls me slut whore and it scares me!” I told my Daughter to tell her friend, fear doesn’t make for a best foundation for a relationship and there are laws and places you can go to for help. She is only 16.” – Caroline H.

“The person I’m with now was in an abusive relationship. Isolated her form all of her friends and family, made sure she lost contact with anyone who could offer her support. Was insanely jealous, didn’t want her to go to college because there were other men there, when she got a job he threatened to divorce her and leave her on the streets because she was spending time away from home. Was extremely jealous, money controlling, and had his name and only his name on everything. Having lived in an abusive house in childhood, I was having none of that when I met her and was lucky enough to help her see the signs of abuse.” – Sasha H.

“When someone tries to tell you that you need to get out and all you do is justify your partner’s behavior. When you feel like their your whole world because they’ve cut everyone else out of it.” – Stephanie D. M.

“When your partner accuses you of the very thing that they are guilty of while he/she denies it.” – Tina B. R.

“I was with my ex gf for 5 five years and even though we have been broken up for over 2 years and i have been with my amazing gf now for 18months i still find some of my old habits popping up. I feel the need to justify everything i say and do, i apologise for everything even if i had no control over it ahppening, if im running later than expected im apologising explaining where i am and what im doing and why im late and some other things. I knew things were bad with my ex but i never realised the extent of it until i got together with my gf. She has slowly been getting me out of these habits but its just taking me a lil longer than id like… i guess five years worth of habits is hard to stop.” – Gabby C.