By: Gina Volpe

Another day, another reason to stick my head in the oven. The latest black cloud on the horizon? Several states are considering laws that would require drug testing for welfare recipients, including those who receive unemployment benefits. I understand having to pass a drug test when you have a job, but now you have to pass a drug test when you DON’T have a job too?! Bullshit! Who has a better reason to dive face first into a pile of marijuana than someone who just lost his or her job, livelihood, and paycheck? No one!

Consider this: You’re laid off, you can’t find work, you have nothing to look forward to besides all the home-cooked meals you’ll get to eat when you’re forced to move into your parents’ basement. What else do you have to do but shoot heroin into your eyeballs in hopes of dulling the pain of your miserable situation? Plus, drug-induced mania is extremely helpful when trying to find the motivation and energy to stay up all night sending your resume to every job posting on Craigslist. These druggies are managing their pain and using their cokey energy bursts to get back on their feet. They should be helped and rewarded, not punished!

The stupid state that really takes the cake (that I’ll no longer be able to afford) is New Hampshire, which is currently considering a bill that would mandate random drug testing for food stamp recipients. You can’t even use food stamp money on toilet paper, let alone drugs! (Trust me, I’ve tried!) Are New Hampshire lawmakers seriously arguing that drug users shouldn’t be allowed to eat? Are you kidding me? Have you SEEN most drug users? No one needs to consume a healthy meal more than a 90 lb crackhead! Moral issues aside, we should be giving these people food stamps simply out of consideration for our eyes.

If these measures pass, the only disadvantaged, down-on-their-luck people allowed to receive public assistance will be those who haven’t popped a mood-altering drug or sparked up a doob after another depressing day of hunger and unemployment. Ha. Good luck finding them.