Dear Ms. Doe,

I thought I should take a moment to write you about your husband, for there are a few things I think you need to know about him.

Have you noticed lately how handsome he is? He is aging quite nicely even if he is carrying a few extra pounds.

When he’s relaxed in a stress-free environment, he smiles a lot.

He doesn’t think you appreciate him and feels like a piece of the furniture.  He gets buried under marital debris and feels you don’t understand how very stressful it is for him to provide for you and the family.  It’s not always easy being “The Rock” and keeping you in the style of living you have so learned to love.  He can’t even remember the last time you said, “Thank you.”

Did you realize he loves to joke and tease around?  It makes him laugh out loud.

He’s happy when he’s not being judged, nagged, or provoked into an argument.  He loves helping you out when it’s not expected.  But you don’t know that, do you?

He loves his “man” time; but feels he must always be attentive to your incessant prattling about insignificant incidents or issues that you could handle yourself.  It clutters his brain.

He feels smothered by your expecting him to be home at certain times, and how you expect chores to be done at a certain time.  When he doesn’t or can’t make it happen, he wonders why you are so needy and clingy in the first place.  He so craves his own “space” even when he’s with you.  Learn to shut the f*** up and listen for a change.  He will talk if he can get a word in edgewise.

He is a dedicated man.  His family and his job are his life. It’s an important part of him.

He hates being told to, “quit acting like a baby” when he’s feeling under the weather, especially when you dump your insignificant drama on him every single day. That is what he is thinking about you, but he would never, ever say it out loud.

He thinks the words “I love you” mean nothing without action.

He is truly a great lover and he doesn’t understand why you won’t have sex with him anymore.  Making love to you is his best asset.  His only motivation is to please you and he feels very confident that he can, if you just let him.  When you say “No” over and over he just stops wanting you.

Yes, he watches porn and sometimes will relieve himself.  Do you blame him?  Stop being such a prude and get over it!  Think about how much fun it might be to try some new things with your old dog.  Not only will he let you, he will welcome it with open arms.  Trust me on that one.

He is a phenomenal kisser, from the soft pecks on the back of the neck to the sloppy porn ones and everything in between.

Your husband smells really good, clean or dirty.

You are a very lucky woman, Mrs. Doe.  He really does love you. You should let him. May I suggest you get your head out of your own @ss and start using it?

Signed,

The Other Woman