By: Jim Hoover
Do you have mind-numbing headaches, chronic constipation – or antithetically, worrisome diarrhea? Do you have embarrassing gas that gags others in a crowded room — something like sewer exhaust?
Does your stomach churn like a runaway sauna or does it ache like a mule kick? Do rashes appear like tempests of bed bugs? Do your muscles ache like a toothache, or do your joints play you like a tuba?
Disgusting questions?
Perhaps, but they are common warnings – Food and Drug Administration (FDA) required — for pharmaceutical ads. These were advertised online as “common side effects” of a popular cholesterol medication, Lipitor.
Yes, I couldn’t help myself: I metaphorically embellished them.
Of course, the Lipitor Pharmaceutical, Pfizer, tells you that they are as rare as a warm January day in Minneapolis — they mean, before global warming.
Sometimes for humor – not too often…I do have a life – I watch television commercials for drugs.
Merck’s Vytorin commercials on television lasted 60 seconds. Forty-five seconds of the commercial provided nostalgic family imagery accompanied by alliterative and mellow words that cholesterol comes from two sources: food and family, one example being “barbecue ribs and your grandma, Barbie.”
Mouthwatering and cockle-warming!
Contrarily, the fifteen seconds of side effects, warnings, and disclaimers required by the government are rapidly fired at you without a breath. This is what I listen to for humor.
The humor is expecting black plague, ingrown toenails, and trench mouth to be among the possible side effects – in that ridiculous order.
I know. I’m dysfunctional.
And speaking of erectile dysfunction.
Erectile Dysfunction sounds like an artillery shell that won’t fire. Is that an on-purpose image? It relates to another word we don’t say — impotent. Makes you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s (we even had him for governor of California) “sissy boy.”
SHacker
6 Mar 2011I must admit, the side effect warnings while amusing probably scare the shit out of most potential users. I sometimes laugh and sometimes cringe when I hear them. Our Good ole FDA – you throw ’em enough money and they’ll approve anything, so long as you provide the grim side effects.
ocjim0
10 Mar 2011The question is, “Who is throwing them the money?” Under George W. there was a revolving door between drug companies, agribusiness and others who were the companies to be regulated and those appointed to high positions in the FDA. How much has it changed under Obama?
Joker
8 Mar 2011“Contrarily, the fifteen seconds of side effects, warnings, and disclaimers required by the government are rapidly fired at you without a breath. This is what I listen to for humor.
The humor is expecting black plague, ingrown toenails, and trench mouth to be among the possible side effects – in that ridiculous order.
I know. I’m dysfunctional.”
… hahahaha – I know these are serious health problems they approach in advertising, but when you get to 15 seconds of possibly horrific side effects – at some point the poor victims of the nasty health issues have got be thinking…wtf??