Bring On The Night

Sleep eludes me, often I lie awake late at night, or I wake far too early in the morning. A feeling like anxiety blankets me, and the thoughts come.

They are never frightening; they feel like an incomplete conversation that nags at the mind.

There are thoughts of good and bad times, but mostly a longing, a void in my heart. The things I wish I had said, perhaps an occasional regret for the things I did say. One creates their own haunting, just as we as humans create our own hell here on earth. There are no rattling chains, no aberrations of sight.

I think of them as the ghosts of my soul. They visit me often in these sleepless hours. They are all the loved ones I miss and admired.

There is my step father, who was my own personal Hemmingway. I think of my grandmother, who was my link to any spiritual thoughts. Thinking of them brings me comfort in troubled times.

I have many thoughts of my younger brother, who had a big heart and in the end a weak mind. I wonder how I could have reached him, and I feel guilt for being angry at him.

There are of course, the thoughts of my daughter. Who was a young girl that would now be a young lady. I miss seeing her grow and bloom. Ok, if I am haunted it’s by the fact that she would now be both driving and dating.

People don’t like to discuss death, as though talking about it disturbs the ghosts or spirits. What it does is disturbs our ability to shield ourselves from our own grief and longing for things we no longer have.

I used to grieve by the calendar; it haunted me with birthdays, anniversaries, and a whole series of firsts. The first Christmas etc. Seems the older I get, the more the calendar became impossible to keep. There were too many additions, too many dates. By the same token other people looked at the calendar to measure how long I might grieve. And the days went by and filled up many calendars. No one can predict, or limit these feelings. I see other family members and friends struggle with this as well.

The old saying “Time heals all wounds” is a falsehood. I finally realized these thoughts were not something I wanted healed. No, actually these thoughts of those I love are how I stay connected. Even though all that remains is how we live our lives.

Through these thoughts, they will forever be with me all the days of my life. Bring on the night.

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