Self Injury: From the Inside

Self Injury: From the Inside

By: Caitlyn Becca Davis

In a recent well-written column by Lady ‘D’ it stated that the bond you make by self injury as a sometimes sought childhood “ritual” is comparable to the ritual a self injury victim goes through with their addiction. As much as I believe it is important to get the word out on how to understand the addiction that comes with being a self injurer, I think it is equally important to hear the opinion of someone whose own hands deal with this challenge every day. You have to stop looking at statistics at some point and listen for other people’s stories.

Self injury has been such a hushed topic in the world.  At one point, there was a long time of silence until now. Sometimes, it takes more than looking at some pale, young girl’s bleeding arm and realize that in order to fall low enough to bleed on the outside; you have to be bleeding on the inside as well. You have to stop with the judgment and confusion and realize that there is a hurt person! And sometimes when they find the hope to reach out, you have to make sure you’re there for them to catch you.

Since 1998 when Fiona Apple, a famous singer songwriter came out to talk about her addiction with self injury in a Rolling Stone’s interview, the addiction to cutting has become more popular than the human mind would like to realize. Many people look at an addiction as something that the human body is naturally dependent on.  The word “ADDICTION” is scarcely used when it comes to things like self injury, anorexia, burning, or any other habit that we precede without a physical dependency reaction. What they don’t see is when you’re so low that your knees are stuck to the floor looking for that little something to give you some hope. You will do anything to make the thoughts, the feelings, all those bad emotions go away; and when you find what that is, you make it your priority. We all want to feel better when were depressed, whether its drugs, smoking marijuana, or even cutting your very own skin… we all find that something, that special something to us.

We have all been at a place in our life that we lose a part of our self.  We get lost and we’re scared, the streets seem darker, and sometimes the most horrible point is when you realize you just might be alone in this fight. You lose that hope to go on and you fall back into the arms of your addiction. In a poem titled “Song,” it repeats a beautiful line, “And let razors be like morphine to the wrist of an addict.” The addiction comes to the rescue when you’re hurt. It’s the knight in shining armor the average teenage girl searches for; and when life becomes real, just like morphine to take that hurt away, you will always come running back to it.

We want to stay strong in the battle to end the high rise rate of suicide and self injury.  We want to inform people and provide hope for victims!

So to you reading this thinking, “You don’t understand…” You’re wrong! I do understand. I have been there before. We have all lied.  We have all done things that we are not proud of in our journey. Just promise me next time you start to fall into your addictions grasp, think about this: Stay strong! Sometimes, all it takes is the smallest thing to hurt the already broken and as an addict, you need to know that you mean something. You cannot let your family, or friends, or even your own finance get you down when you fall apart at the seams. You have to put out your hands and confide in the ones you love to fight this sad, eternal war you have with yourself. You have to always realize that when you see shadows in the dark that just means that there is light somewhere near by.

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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Very heartfelt and genuine writing! It really is amazing how hush, hush it is… I suppose we don’t want our addictions to get much exposure because we might feel judged by society. I think it’s better to get it out in the open and talk about it though… people might judge and be critical, but I think most people would at least sympathize or try to understand – if they can relate to the word ‘addiction.’ (most people can) Like you said – we all live with SOMEthing. My admitted addiction is caffeine – more specifically, diet coke. Can it be counter productive to be addicted to something like running or working out? Perhaps, but maybe only from and obsessive perspective.

  2. I agree with Justsayin101, we all have an addiction. I’d would even go as far as religious zealots being addicted to prayer and connection with their respective god(s).

    Cutting in particular, I (unfortunately) have first-hand experience. At the time, I was very hurt. Bad childhood and neglect led to this outburst of self-pain. What I didn’t realize: I was letting my childhood control me rather than me controlling it. The addiction let me be in control of how I felt; be in control of when I got pain. It’s a very weird, sad but fascinating topic.

    Another warning to the suffering: be careful of who you tell and how you will react. Some close friends I told literally fell out of my life in the blink of an eye. My family didn’t know so I felt very lost and lonely. The lonelier I got, the more I craved attention, ANY attention. Eventually I ended up in the hospital and I NEVER wish that upon anybody. There are many positive resources out in society, find the strength to reach out.

    Of course there are repercussions. Store clerics notice my scars, significant others see my scars, doctors inquire about my scars; the post-attention can be hard to deal with. My advice is to use it as an advantage, along the lines of “you know, that was the old me. I went through some terrible times, but I’m all the better for it.”

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