Characters: Q and T
(Two men or women sitting at a table.)
Q: Do you hate me?
T: (sardonically) Yes, absolutely.
Q: Don’t kid with me. I’m being serious.
T: As am I.
Q: Why do you hate me?
T: Because you ask me questions like, ‘Do you hate me?’ Who does that?
Q: That seems like an illegitimate reason.
T: It’s my reason.
Q: Then what can I do to make you like me?
T: Stop asking questions like that.
Q: But I have the anxiety.
T: Then drink.
Q: But then I’ll be an alcoholic.
T: There’s nothing wrong with that.
Q: Yes there is.
T: Says who?
Q: (pauses) I dunno, Nancy Reagan.
T: Who the fuck cares what Nancy Reagan says?
Q: She was our first lady.
Q: We should show her a modicum of respect.
T: No, just because she was something at sometime doesn’t mean anything.
Q: You’re yelling is starting to give me anxiety.
T: Then get a prescription for Xanax…or Valium.
Q: But I saw a special on Dateline about how bad they are for you.
T: Then meditate.
Q: I have ADHD.
(T gets up from the table and starts pacing.)
T: So what do you want from me? You can’t drink, take pills, or perform any decompressing acts without something going wrong. You’re a hopeless waste of anxious-riddled putty and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Q: Are you still my friend?
T: I’m not usually friends with self-deprecating gelatinous invertebrates who constantly ask me if I hate them or not.
Q: Will you make an exception for me?
T: I guess.
Q: Good, because I need someone to go on a hike with me.
T: A hike? I didn’t sign up for a hike.
Q: But you’re my friend. I thought you might enjoy spending a few hours with one another while we walk through a forest.
Q: But there’s fresh air…
Q: …the natural beauty of the outdoors…
Q: …friendship in every step…
Q: Then what are we doing? How…how can I be of service to you?
Q: But I need to be. The only way to solve my crippling mental paralysis is by offering myself to do something for others.
T: Why can’t you just be happy?
Q: I can’t. That’s not how I operate.
T: I’m still not going on a hike with you.
Q: Then how about playing tennis on a Wednesday afternoon together?
T: That’s oddly specific, but still, no.
T: Don’t list things off again.
Q: We can play Scrabble or Yahtzee or maybe Call of Duty?
T: Let’s just go to a bar.
Q: But…the drinking.
T: Don’t you dare mention the drinking thing again.
T: So, we’re going drinking?
Q: (defeated) Yeah, alright.
(T and Q begin to walk off stage.)
T: Wait, why was it so easy to convince you to come drinking with me?
Q: I just needed somewhere for us to go so we could complete the suicide pact we made in the 10th grade.