Gender, Relationships, Sexuality — January 1, 2018 at 8:27 pm

Confessions of a Horny (Virgin) Transman

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I’ve masturbated since I was a toddler.

Some of my earliest memories, from about age 3, are of tucking my hands under myself in such a way that my fingers pressed against the juncture of my thighs. By leaning forwards and putting most of my weight on the back of my hands, I hit that magic bundle of nerves (what some people might call a clitoris, but I call my dick), sending jolts of pleasure through my body. I don’t remember quite when, but at some point I realized that thinking about women I thought were cute while doing this could make the pleasure more.

 

I learned about arousal by the time I was 6.

I vividly recall an assembly I attended in first grade: A group of Hawaiian dancers came to talk about and demonstrate hula, including the costumes. Two female dancers wore grass skirts and bras that I don’t think were coconut but weren’t much more than dark circles covering their breasts. As these two women started dancing, I felt a jumping sensation between my legs, and that pleasure I knew so well from my private time began pulsing through my body.

 

I’ve been building a porn collection since before I knew the term.

I used to make a mental note of images or passages in books that I found stimulating. If I thought I could get away with it, I’d discreetly dog-ear the pages. Sometimes at night, I’d place one of those books open on the pillow, tuck my hands under my body, and massage my dick. I also took careful note of scenes in movies or TV shows. If we owned said film on tape and I had some time alone, I’d load it in to the VCR, fast-forward to the appropriate spot, and have some fun.

Of course nowadays, thanks to the magic of the Internet, I have access to things like videos, erotic comics, and explicit fanfiction….

 

Gender dysphoria does not make for a good sex life.

I’ve known I’m a boy since I can remember, and as a small child couldn’t understand why everyone around me insisted I was a girl. It didn’t affect my masturbation, though, until I hit puberty the first time.

Clothes could hide the physical changes to my body. The beginning of my period could likewise be concealed, aside from the days I had to sit out of swimming or got sent home due to cramps. Mentally, however, these changes sent me spiraling. I continued to jack off when I could, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch my bare skin. In other words, fully clothed masturbation sessions became a way of life. When I began fantasizing about having sex myself, my role was always the (fully clothed) giver of pleasure. I couldn’t touch myself except in the shower, how could someone else want to?

Even today, after 8 years of hormones and two surgeries, I have nightmares about being rejected by a partner because my body doesn’t look “right”.

 

There may be something to those “biology” arguments after all.

I started hormone therapy during my senior year of college. Prior to that, I noticed a definite pattern in my sex drive: I’d be horny as all get out for three or four days, have no interest in sex for about a week, then get my “monthly present”. That would last six to seven days, the last two of which would see another upswing in my libido, followed by another week or so where I may or may not jack off, depending on if I saw something arousing.

When I started testosterone therapy, it meant a shot in the leg every other week. One of the first things I noticed was an increase in my energy levels. Several months into the treatment, I started waking up with a tightness in between my legs. About the same time, I noticed an increase in my sex drive: I’d get aroused at least once a day, frequently more. And if I didn’t jack off right before bed, I had trouble getting to sleep. I also had to change my jack off strategies: Instead of my hands, I’d now pad my crotch with a sock and hump the back of a chair.

One day in the shower, I ran my hands between my legs and discovered that I hadn’t been imagining that tightness down below: my dick had grown! And touching it felt amazing. After that discovery, jacking off included sitting or kneeling, grasping my little dick in between my fingers and thumb, pulling, stroking, and squeezing until I came.

 

I’m a romantically straight pansexual

Until recently, the population at large wasn’t aware of the difference between sex and gender. Similarly, many people don’t realize that there’s a difference between romantic and sexual attraction. Since my college days, I’ve been aware of my sexual attraction to women and men, whether cisgender, transgender, gender non-conforming, genderfluid, or something else. My porn collection reflects this: straight, lesbian, gay, and trans videos, comics, and stories, anything I find arousing.

If sexual attraction is defined as someone you want to fuck, then romantic attraction is someone you want to be in a committed relationship with, possibly even a person you wish to marry. Up to this point in my life, every person I’ve ever thought about in that way has been a woman. While I won’t say that I’ll never feel that way about a man, I find it highly unlikely.

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